I’m really into transformation…if it can look exactly like what I’m already doing.

I’m really into self-transformation.  I practice yoga, I go to therapy, I journal, I parent thoughtfully, I dance, I blog, I self-reflect.  I consider myself a spiritual person. But here’s the thing.  I don’t actually want to change.  Transformation? I’m sooo into it… if it can look almost exactly like what I’m already good at doing.

In my last post, I mentioned my affinity for mountains, deeply rooted trees, dirt and rocks.  I’ve been giving this a little more thought.  Those grounded and solid, maybe impenetrable objects do have some qualities that I want and need… that I crave, but now I see that maybe they aren’t quite right as objects of meditation because connecting with the qualities associated with these objects might be furthering me along in the same direction that I’m already going.  So at the end of my post, I threw out a few other ideas of things I might like to focus on.  You know what I came up with?  Soaring eagle, starry sky, and archer.  Soaring eagles do their business very high in the sky.  No one can touch ‘em.  And when they are up there, they are using their keen eyesight to find prey.  It’s not so friendly, is it?  The starry sky?  You can look upon it and see it’s radiant beauty, but can’t touch it.  It’s, quite literally, light years away.  The archer is one that I was really excited about.  I’ve been teaching archer-qualities in my yoga classes all week.  Nimble, light footed, precise and so able to harness their senses to do their work which usually happens in a quiet peaceful forest somewhere.  It dawned on me that the archer’s work happens to be to skillfully KILLING THINGS that come  close.

I’ll tell you something right now.  A big theme in my life is desperately wanting to feel connected to people but not being able to do it in a way that feels deeply satisfying.  There’s all this, “I’m lonely, I want connection, I want to be loved, but …hey, I like being alone and needing someone doesn’t really work for me and please don’t love me like that, it makes me uncomfortable.”  Can you see why an archer is so attractive to me? Why crawling deep inside a mountain might feel safe and why being a predator soaring way up in the sky just feels right?  It’s because it feels so freakin’ familiar, protected and safe even if it is a bit lonely.

So transformation needs to happen around this archer/mountain/starry sky feeling I’ve got going on. And don’t get me wrong.  I think there’s a lot about me that is great.  I don’t think transformation means I have to ditch my current life and run off to the Himalayas, or radiate the colors of the whirling chakras 24-7.  I’m pretty sure transformation might look almost exactly like what I’m already doing but I bet it doesn’t feel like it.  This is why it’s so tricky! Because even though I’m pretty sure I’m headed in the right direction, I may not be taking the most direct route to my “living from my true Self” destination.  Which is why I need help from a teacher.  I get it, but I don’t like it.  Actually having a teacher feels scary and hard.  It feels really uncomfortable.  I think I want to climb back into my mountain.

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12 thoughts on “I’m really into transformation…if it can look exactly like what I’m already doing.

  1. I hear ya. You might be doing exactly what you need and it might feel like you aren’t. What are you supposed to do with that?! But… you might get to the end of the trail and look back on all those thorn bushes and wrong turns and all that mud and say, Well, of course! I don’t know what to say except that in this game you can’t lose as long as you’re trying. Have faith!

  2. Yes. I think a steady mantra of “keep trying and have faith” is exactly right, even when these big prickly bushes keeps popping up on my trail. Thanks for the encouragement, David.

  3. I think we’re kindred spirits. It’s so difficult to find a balance between feeling strong and independent and surrendering to all the love in your life! Good luck on your journey of transformation!

  4. Amanda, I laugh/cried through this one because it resonated so clearly. Thanks for your writing, it’s a pleasure and a connection that I look forward to.

  5. This post spoke to me. I look forward to reading more….and especially how it goes with chase, and just being your own teacher, having a teacher. My thought on this is that now that you feel comfortable and confident with a teacher you’ve got to let go a little and just let it happen. Suddenly somewhere along the way you’ll look back and see “transformation.” Great to be in touch again!

    1. Hi Natasha! The letting go does not come easily for me. After a week of my “assigned” practice, I’m beginning to notice new facets to my resistance and small openings, too. I think you are right– “transformation” happens slowly and over time. I’m curious to see where it takes me!

  6. I know what you are talking about. I think of myself in a similar way that you think of yourself – “I practice yoga, I go to therapy, I journal, I parent thoughtfully, I dance, I blog, I self-reflect. I consider myself a spiritual person.” I’m 36 too :). There are most definitely things about myself that are harder to face than others, for sure. If the intention for honesty and authenticity is there, and we put the work in – then everything will happen in it’s own good time, right? Hmmm. You must be born in the year of the dragon? Me too. We like it up high with the mountains and eagles 🙂

    1. Sista! It’s fun to know that we have so much in common. I’m slowly climbing down from the mountain top and it’s kind of nice. Thanks for visiting. I dig your blog and look forward to reading more.

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