I’m really into self-transformation. I practice yoga, I go to therapy, I journal, I parent thoughtfully, I dance, I blog, I self-reflect. I consider myself a spiritual person. But here’s the thing. I don’t actually want to change. Transformation? I’m sooo into it… if it can look almost exactly like what I’m already good at doing.
In my last post, I mentioned my affinity for mountains, deeply rooted trees, dirt and rocks. I’ve been giving this a little more thought. Those grounded and solid, maybe impenetrable objects do have some qualities that I want and need… that I crave, but now I see that maybe they aren’t quite right as objects of meditation because connecting with the qualities associated with these objects might be furthering me along in the same direction that I’m already going. So at the end of my post, I threw out a few other ideas of things I might like to focus on. You know what I came up with? Soaring eagle, starry sky, and archer. Soaring eagles do their business very high in the sky. No one can touch ‘em. And when they are up there, they are using their keen eyesight to find prey. It’s not so friendly, is it? The starry sky? You can look upon it and see it’s radiant beauty, but can’t touch it. It’s, quite literally, light years away. The archer is one that I was really excited about. I’ve been teaching archer-qualities in my yoga classes all week. Nimble, light footed, precise and so able to harness their senses to do their work which usually happens in a quiet peaceful forest somewhere. It dawned on me that the archer’s work happens to be to skillfully KILLING THINGS that come close.
I’ll tell you something right now. A big theme in my life is desperately wanting to feel connected to people but not being able to do it in a way that feels deeply satisfying. There’s all this, “I’m lonely, I want connection, I want to be loved, but …hey, I like being alone and needing someone doesn’t really work for me and please don’t love me like that, it makes me uncomfortable.” Can you see why an archer is so attractive to me? Why crawling deep inside a mountain might feel safe and why being a predator soaring way up in the sky just feels right? It’s because it feels so freakin’ familiar, protected and safe even if it is a bit lonely.
So transformation needs to happen around this archer/mountain/starry sky feeling I’ve got going on. And don’t get me wrong. I think there’s a lot about me that is great. I don’t think transformation means I have to ditch my current life and run off to the Himalayas, or radiate the colors of the whirling chakras 24-7. I’m pretty sure transformation might look almost exactly like what I’m already doing but I bet it doesn’t feel like it. This is why it’s so tricky! Because even though I’m pretty sure I’m headed in the right direction, I may not be taking the most direct route to my “living from my true Self” destination. Which is why I need help from a teacher. I get it, but I don’t like it. Actually having a teacher feels scary and hard. It feels really uncomfortable. I think I want to climb back into my mountain.