Phew. I am so glad 2014 is over. SO GLAD.
It’s not the whole year I’m kissing off. Some wonderful things have happened, actually. Dave and I moved in together and our little lovely family is all under one roof again. My family came to Austin from all over to help celebrate my grandpa’s 100th birthday. I had pastoral adventures in Nova Scotia with my girls and dear friends and there was a fabulous weekend of cabin ‘camping’ with a passle of children, some lady friends, and delicious food. mmmmm. My best friend moved to Austin with her family, and I got a visit from Sara who came all the way from New Hampshire by herself to see ME. (She’s been a cherished friend since tent-camping in her back yard in elementary school.) I broke my foot (strange that it’s making this list, but it was really a strange sort of gift). Nora learned to read!!! Hazel learned to ride a bike, is getting boobs and still likes to snuggle with me. I’ve seen my yoga therapy practice grow and I get to work with such inspiring students all the time (I’m incredibly grateful), and I get to participate in an exceptional Yoga therapy training program that has already had a huge impact on my life (thank you). So really, it’s just the last few weeks I’m glad to have survived. How is it I barely made it through the holidays without imploding on myself or exploding all over everyone else?
There wasn’t a full im- or ex-plosion, but there was a slow pressure build and the inevitable release— I could feel the imbalance rising as my ability to provide good self-care slowly declined. Over the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I started storing up the ick, a little more, a little more, until there was too much and it had to come out in the form of a big fight with Dave on Christmas day. The fight sounded like “I want to have another baby/why are you avoiding this topic of conversation?” and it turned into, “I remember those things you did that really hurt my feelings over the last 20 years and I want to all of them between family breakfast and turkey dinner.” We finished eating but not fighting by the time I took him to the airport that evening for his three-day work trip.
This wasn’t my best side I was showing. This part of myself doesn’t get mentioned in my bio or resume. I prefer it stay dormant. I didn’t like what was going on but I still couldn’t manage to stop it from happening. I even stayed mad for a couple of days. But eventually, I could see how my lack of sleep and my weird holiday food eating and the ten projects I took on while trying to get Christmas traditions and gifts and plans lined up might have contributed to the fight. And maybe it isn’t necessarily an actual baby that I want but a way to connect in this relationship and to grow this sweet family that has gotten to be so good, so very very good, and is so full of love.
So here’s to bringing in the balance and growing love in 2015. Love. Love. Love. However it comes and whatever it looks like and even if it sometimes erupts in ways that are a little difficult to swallow, may love fill you, imploding and exploding in all directions and all over the place.